(617): dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
(519):and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered “Simba”
(774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled “dibs!”…
(570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
(1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
(508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
(734): I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he’d let me find out. I love Australians.